So a summary eh? When I think of writing a summary of my lent experiences I have a feeling of being overwhelmed that is much like the feeling that I’ve felt for the last week and a ½ that I finally admitted to today. In the past 40 days I’ve had nights filled with so much anxiety that I can’t sleep, I’ve seen my brother get married, I’ve seen several new beginnings and unfortunately some endings. There is no way that I know how to sum up the last 40 days, this journey through Lent with my community. I’ve appreciated the opportunity to not only share but to be shared with, for a new way to participate in community. When I thought about what I might write for my last entry however, there is something that I haven’t been able to shake from my mind that I’d like to share.
The topic I can’t get out of my mind is Pain.
A couple weeks ago I was riding the bus over the Aurora bridge, probably on my way to Fremont. I do this roughly once a week, sometimes two or three times depending on the week. For the first time on this bus ride I noticed that along the railing of the bridge there are several signs posted reading “Thinking of Suicide?” and then a phone number to call. As I looked at the sign and then looked out the window over the bridge toward docks and water, I was filled an intense sadness that is pretty hard to shake. What would it take for someone to look at the rough presence of the docks hundreds of yards below and feel that they were more inviting than the life they are currently living?
This sent my mind through a spiral of thoughts that led me to finally think about the pain of the cross. I found myself comparing the pain that a person who finds his or her only relief in suicide with the pain that Jesus felt as he was headed toward the crucifixion.
I’m not really sure why this makes sense to me, nor am I really sure how to explain it. But when I conceptualize the feeling of hopelessness in life that often leads to suicide I feel an overwhelming sense of compassion for Jesus, not because he was hopeless but because he embodies all that there is to be hopeful for in life, some much so that he died for it. How often do we find ourselves wandering through life feeling that there is no hope that things will change, no hope that one day what is causing us pain will cease to cause pain?
In the last week, I’ve seen 3 people lose their jobs. I’ve seen a community react to the loss as though they were losing a part of their body and in some cases a piece of their soul. People feel betrayed, let down and discouraged. I have heard more people than I can count express anger, frustration and sadness. Where do you begin to pick up the pieces when what you once viewed as your foundation is pulled from beneath you?
There is a time for grief. There is a time express loss. There is a time to give into pain and hopelessness, to be angry, to be sad, frustrated. But in the end what leads us to new life is hope. According to my belief, what led to Jesus death was hope, hope in our life, in our existence. Hope that we will rebuild. Hope that when we lose a part of the body that we have others there to carry us through, to depend on.
To help us live.
So I guess you could say this is what I take with me from Lent. It's generally what I always take with me from Lent. Nothing extremely profound, just a renewed sense that life is a good idea and there is something that makes it worth getting out of bed every morning to see what the day will bring. Thank you all for giving me the opportunity to share some of my disjointed thoughts and observations of what this life brings to me.
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