Friday: Longing

She alone sits at his feet.

She alone understands.

As I scurry throught the house

envy fills my heart.

Oh! To just sit at his feet!

To hear his words. To touch his skin.

But in my restless nature,

there is much to be done.

So I breathe in the perfume

that fills the house

and pretend it is me

who has annoited his feet

then quickly shelve the thought

and return to duty.

Thursday- Where does the water go?

Water
tends
to
trickle
to the
lowest
place.

And
sometimes

to drink

one
must

kneel.

Wednesday: Frustration

It’s passages like Philippians 3 that drive me nuts.

I don’t tend to think of myself as having this whole Christian thing all figured out, I instead lean more towards thinking that there really isn’t anything in particular to figure out. Paul here however, sounds so sure, so clear of what he has to do, what will make him ‘right’ with God. My problem? First, I don’t get it. Second, I’m not really sure I agree with what I do get.

If I were to sit at the feet of Jesus, it’s not awe or wonder I would feel (though perhaps there would be some), it would be frustration. My response to Jesus walking into my house wouldn’t be, “Oh Jesus…it’s so nice to see you!” it would probably be more like “Where the hell have you been? Whatever did you mean by this?” The best part of the whole scene as it plays out in my head is that Jesus would be ok with that.

I’ve already gone through several periods in my life where I have been very frustrated with Christianity, the Church, religion in general, and most of all Christians. I, in general struggle with unquestioning faith. It’s not that I feel it’s bad, I have lots of respect for people who are able to approach their faith in a way that raises no questions, only acceptance. But I fear it. I’ve always had questions and it took me a long time realize that it was ok to be that way. I’m not going to hell for doubting God, a hole wouldn’t open up beneath me if I said to Jesus “you know, I’m not really sure what you meant by this whole death and new life thing.”

Over the last several years, I’ve sat with this question. In the last year something about my approach to questioning the things I don’t get at church or in the bible has changed. I still find myself questioning (often) anybody’s interpretation of anything “Christianity” related. However, I don’t find myself avoiding speaking those questions or doubts or for that matter feeling bad about them. I’m not exactly sure what brought about this change, perhaps the increasing number of safe spaces to ask these questions? Perhaps a greater number of things that I am sure about in my faith than before? Or maybe it’s because I believe that as a child of God I am somewhat entitled to ask these questions.

My Jesus, is ok with questions, with frustration.

Tuesday: She Pours.

At about midnight, I sat down to "pen" out this entry and when I had a fair amount of it completed, realized that I was writing about something that I don't actually know. At 1, I abandoned my web browser for some spoken word tracks instead. The sort of intellectual nonsense that I'm capable of pulling is really something that I'm trying to avoid if/when I catch myself. There is frailty to words. From philosophy to poetry - there is a frailty to words.

So I'm just going to put up a poem. Right here and now about this text. I'll put up the first "complete" draft I get. These are still words. I can't escape that, but at least there's no illusion of profundity.

[I wrote all of the above at about 2 in the morning]

As the timestamp will eventually indicate once I publish, it's now almost 4 in the morning.

Here is the poem:

She Pours

she knows
knows this night is important
that this man is important
so she goes
pulls herself down beneath the table
uncorks eleven ounces of pure blessing
and kisses not the man
...but his feet
because his feet connect with more people and places
than his hands will ever reach
and these feet
bless more land
than water can seep
so she pours
dumps on restoration
elevates the last two things anyone thinks about at dinner
and pours
out comes more than just perfume
more than just the worth of the liquid
being wasted on weary feet
more than wages meant to help the poor
she pours
pours on redemption
as preparation
for something greater
than even what happened
to the man across the table
she pours on smells
that tell the world
"he matters"
and then she dries it all up
soaks up the dust and dirt
so nothing remains but his new feet
the two things that will carry him places
no one's meant to go

Here too is an audio link. I just stuck a voice recorder onto my iPod, so the quality is far less than par. And I couldn't really speak at full volume because it is indeed three in the morning and normal people are asleep at this hour. Unlike me.
It's a .WAV so there shouldn't be any problem playing it but let me know in the comments if you have issues.

She Pours


Goodnight.

Monday: Presence

Matt Shedden should enjoy this one. You see Matt and I are students at Mars Hill Graduate School where we talk about presence and "being with" all the time. I like it, but Matt has some pretty strong reactions against it. You'll have to have him explain it to you sometime...

Here we have Jesus hanging out with his friends. But this can't be just a time of hanging out together, right? We've got Lazarus whom Jesus had raised from the dead, Mary who dumps perfume on Jesus and cleans it with her hair, and Judas who is going to betray Jesus. Can you imagine anything more awkward? It makes me wonder, if Jesus had clued his disciples into a specific kind of plant that if rolled and burned might just change the way things are perceived. But I could be wrong and this could a completely normal experience for this group of friends.

Then again, looking at the narrative, it makes complete sense. John has written brilliantly here, because we are in the house of a dead and risen man, where because of Judas another man is going to be killed and then rise is present. If that isn't enough the symbol of perfume, which Jesus explains is for his burial is in the center of the story, because the house was filled with the perfume's fragrance. I wonder if it is anything like walking into a department store like Macy's and the fragrance section nearly kills you when you walk through it. Often it makes me dizzy and sometimes nauseous.

This just doesn't seem like a great situation to be in to me. Yet Jesus is able to keep his wits about him and Judas pops a good question. It is a question that I would likely ask to be quite honest. Why are you letting her do that? It's a waste of perfume! We could have sold that and given the money to the poor! There are probably many reasons why Jesus did what he did and said what he said here, but I think they all come back to being present in the moment. Jesus seems to know Judas's intentions with his line of questioning and that can only come through attentiveness to the relationship that they have together. By Judas making that statement he is also cutting himself off from Mary by excluding her and de-meaning her act of pouring perfume on Jesus feet. Jesus chooses to remain present to Mary and bring her back into the room as it were by validating what she is doing. My suspicion is that he didn't really think this was a precursor to his death, but used Judas' inability to be with Mary and Jesus in this moment as a way to teach them all something.

The question is how do we remain present with others? How are present with Jesus at his feet? What does it mean to be present with Christ, especially in the house of death, dizzying smells, tough questions, wrong motives, and new life simultaneously. People do crazy things. We all ask good questions, but sometimes with poor motives. What does it look like to really be present in the midst of this. Being with is very different than hanging out. Being attuned to the reality that we are in the midst of is probably one of the hardest things Jesus calls us to. I hope that this week of lent will be a week of being present in the realities that we find ourselves in. May we speak truth like prophets to the ignorant and arrogant. May we be the embrace of companionship and understanding to the lost and the ones who do the best they can.

Lent 5 - At the Feet of Jesus

Here's a link to this week's Gospel text:

http://divinity.library.vanderbilt.edu/lectionary/CLent/cLent5.htm


I'm not really sure that I have any sort of story to tell about this week's theme. Or, at least, I don't have one that won't sound trite or cheap. Most of the time, the image I see of myself at the feet of Jesus looks a little too church-camp. And, to be honest, that isn't too appealing.

I want to shiver and shake a bit, wriggle myself out of that picture. I want to say something like: "I'm with Judas here. That stuff is expensive. Wouldn't water do the trick?"

But maybe I need to think in these terms for once. I should give John 12 a chance.

Last week we looked at the party, at how we react to other's receiving Christ's love. Now we enter the dinner, and we're at Christ's feet.

Who are we when we're at the feet of Jesus?