Wednesday: Frustration

It’s passages like Philippians 3 that drive me nuts.

I don’t tend to think of myself as having this whole Christian thing all figured out, I instead lean more towards thinking that there really isn’t anything in particular to figure out. Paul here however, sounds so sure, so clear of what he has to do, what will make him ‘right’ with God. My problem? First, I don’t get it. Second, I’m not really sure I agree with what I do get.

If I were to sit at the feet of Jesus, it’s not awe or wonder I would feel (though perhaps there would be some), it would be frustration. My response to Jesus walking into my house wouldn’t be, “Oh Jesus…it’s so nice to see you!” it would probably be more like “Where the hell have you been? Whatever did you mean by this?” The best part of the whole scene as it plays out in my head is that Jesus would be ok with that.

I’ve already gone through several periods in my life where I have been very frustrated with Christianity, the Church, religion in general, and most of all Christians. I, in general struggle with unquestioning faith. It’s not that I feel it’s bad, I have lots of respect for people who are able to approach their faith in a way that raises no questions, only acceptance. But I fear it. I’ve always had questions and it took me a long time realize that it was ok to be that way. I’m not going to hell for doubting God, a hole wouldn’t open up beneath me if I said to Jesus “you know, I’m not really sure what you meant by this whole death and new life thing.”

Over the last several years, I’ve sat with this question. In the last year something about my approach to questioning the things I don’t get at church or in the bible has changed. I still find myself questioning (often) anybody’s interpretation of anything “Christianity” related. However, I don’t find myself avoiding speaking those questions or doubts or for that matter feeling bad about them. I’m not exactly sure what brought about this change, perhaps the increasing number of safe spaces to ask these questions? Perhaps a greater number of things that I am sure about in my faith than before? Or maybe it’s because I believe that as a child of God I am somewhat entitled to ask these questions.

My Jesus, is ok with questions, with frustration.