Monday...being late to the party

To begin a week about being at the party with an apology is a little strange, but that is what must happen. I hammered the end part of a project last night that was due today and then crashed. I just got the e-mail that I forgot to post. The reality is that I remembered, and then said I'd do it later after I finished my project, but then you know how it goes. I did then eventually forget, so I'm sorry to all of those who expected a post today and didn't get it until after work.

So some party this is turning out to be. Parties are tough for me personally. I do my best to find a nice quiet corner and just chill. I only had one birthday party growing up and it was a disaster. I find myself identifying with the one who the party is thrown for, but doesn't want it. All I want to do is whatever I need to in order to earn favor, or a paycheck, or whatever it is I need to earn. Even love. For me receiving love freely is very difficult, but when it is so lavish and celebratory. It is often oppresive to me. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to be the guy with the drink who goes around and mingles with everyone. I don't want to dance. I don't want to see myself as the father sees me. I don't look at myself through God's lenses if you will.

What would it look if I did? What would it mean for you if you were able to see yourself as God sees you? Right now I see myself as a slacker who spent the day squandering time and am late in joining the 40 blog party. But, God says, "Hey you're here! Now let the party begin!" I'm not late, I'm just on time. This is too difficult for me. It's a party, and it scares me. That shouldn't be. I'll probably be ready to party by Wednesday night, when my midterm work is finished, but right now I just want the noise to stop and to go to bed and rest. It's been a long journey and I just want to sleep. But the party is for me and so I'm here. Let's eat, drink, and be merry! Let's dance!